The Big Wait; Morning Pages: 3/23

I’ve found myself in a school that is made up of 30,000+ people. This coming from a girl would went to the smallest high school in Jefferson County and whose graduating class had no more than 300 hundred kids. This is larger than many small schools, of course, but many of my friends from elementary and middle school found their ways to schools well over 3,000 kids. I came here knowing I was going to blend in, that I was going to be just a blur in the mass of people her, and I wanted that. I didn’t want anyone to know me, or to have tabs on my current or past struggles as a human.

Still, I have these feelings that I made the wrong choice. In high school, it was easy to meet people, because you were always seeing the same faces over and over again. I knew everyone in my class by a first name basis. It didn’t mean we were close, but at least we knew one another. Here, I rarely see the same people two days in a row. In fact, I don’t. And that makes meeting people a lot harder than I thought it would be. My friends from high school all made their way to small schools, so they don’t understand what I mean when I say, “It’s really hard to meet people on campus.”

Up rise the cries of, “JOIN A CLUB, ALEX!”

I have tried. There are clubs out there that I am interested in, but my schedule hasn’t allowed for my participation in them. Believe me, next year I’m going to fight tooth and nail to join those clubs. Maybe then I’ll make more friends.

The thing is, I was never a kid with millions of friends, not even in high school. I had three or four close friends and that’s how I got through my life. I have the same number of people that I am close to up here, but I don’t see them nearly as frequently as I did with my high school friends. I’m lucky if we are able to hang out once a week much of the time. Yes, I talk to kids in my classes as well. I’m not a socially awkward potato, for the most part anyways. It’s not the same though. We don’t hang out outside of class. I should try more, I’m sure, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s the way to fix my problems.

I wonder constantly if I made the right decision coming to Colorado State University. I’m in love with the town itself and the campus, but I can tell you the social aspect of being at a school this size is really difficult. At first I new I didn’t want people to know who I was. Believe me, that is what I received. Now, I’m not sure if that’s what I really want anymore. I have yet to meet someone I connect as deeply with as I did with my high school friends. I still communicate with most of them, which stands in as an example of how close we were; an example of how much they mean to me.

I want that same feeling in my current school. I want that companionship.

Let’s hope that I’ll find it.

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